


The Job

by orphan_account



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-15
Updated: 2008-04-15
Packaged: 2017-10-05 13:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/42015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was Ted who brought it up first. "We should find out what Barney does. You know, in case he works for an evil corporation like Halliburton or Enron or the Care Bears." He might have been drunk when he suggested it, but in the future they'll be blaming him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Job

_ **Sunday, 02:13 AM** _

It was Ted who brought it up first.

“We should find out what Barney does. You know, in case he works for an evil corporation like Halliburton or Enron or the Care Bears.”

He might have been drunk when he suggested it, but in the future they’ll be blaming him.

They were all at Ted and Marshall’s apartment playing Texas Hold ‘Em for caramel corn (with the exception of Barney, who had gone home with a woman who believed him to be a British duke or a Russian prince or something to that effect. The woman wasn’t all that bright and Barney’s accent kept changing as the night went on, so none of them really paid attention in the end).

At the moment Ted was sitting upside down on the couch, his feet slung over the back and his head dangling over the edge. It was the potent combination of alcohol and blood rushing to his brain that made him realize it was their sacred duty as Barney’s friends to rescue him from the evil company he so obviously worked for. Marshall, of course, agreed instantly.

“I know, right? I mean, why does he even need to work if he’s inheriting Scotland?”

Marshall might have been slightly drunk, too.

Ted tried to nod, but found it a more difficult task than usual in his current position. “Exactly. So we need to find out what his job is. To save him.”

“Save who?” Robin mumbled sleepily from somewhere on the ground next to the couch.

“Marshall,” Ted replied. “No! Barney. Right?”

Robin smiled. “Barney’s nice.”

“No, he’s not,” Lily reminded her, leaning back against Marshall.

“Okay,” Robin yawned. “Why are we talking about Barney?”

“Because we need to know what he does,” Marshall said eagerly.

“He sleeps with a lot of women,” Lily said.

“No,” Ted shook his head, and then had to pause for a minute to regain his equilibrium. “No, we mean what he does for _money_.” His eyes lit up. “Wait…”

“Barney’s not a prostitute,” Lily said, rolling her eyes.

Marshall mused over this. “I don’t know. He sleeps with a _lot_ of women.”

Ted tried to right himself, but only ended up tumbling off the couch. “Maybe he’s a pimp, and they’re all his whores!” Lily smacked him. “Hey!”

“Don’t say whores.”

“Anyway, that doesn’t make sense,” Marshall said. “Why would he sleep with them if they’re his hookers?”

“Right,” Ted nodded. “He must be a hooker. A man hooker. For the ladies.”

Robin propped herself up on her elbows, thinking. “But why does he have an office, then?”

Marshall frowned. “A cover?”

The next fifteen minutes were spent in a heated debate as to whether or not Barney Stinson was a gigolo. Lily pointed out that he spent far too much effort getting women to sleep with him if they were paying him, to which Ted countered that no one had as much porn as Barney did if they weren’t in the professional sex trade. They ran through every professional contact Barney had that they knew of, trying to determine if one of them was his pimp (Marshall wanted to call Ted Mosby, Porn Star to see if he knew any pimps in the Manhattan area), and finally came to the conclusion that they were 83% sure that he didn’t charge for sex.

“Well, now I’m really curious,” Lily said, throwing her hands in the air. “What the hell does that boy do?”

“We need music. For thinking,” Ted stated, stumbling to his feet. He fiddled with the stereo until the opening strains of a song filled the apartment.

“Ted, U2 is not thinking music,” Robin protested as he plopped down next to her.

“Robin!” Marshall said, shocked. “U2 is _everything_ music.”

“You see?” Ted asked, trying to adjust his legs under the coffee table and banging his knee in the process. “Ow!”

“Oh, poor Teddy,” Robin giggled, bending down to kiss his knee. When she lifted her head, Ted was staring at her. “What?”

“Wow, we used to have sex a _lot_,” he said in an inexplicably shocked tone.

She grinned. “I know, right?”

“I mean, we did it there, and there and there,” Ted said, pointing to several spots around the apartment.

“Did he just point to our bedroom?” Lily asked Marshall.

“No,” Ted responded quickly.

“So, Barney is not a gigolo. Probably,” Robin said in a high-pitched voice.

“Right!” Marshall agreed. “What if he works for the government?”

“What government job would they possibly give him?” Lily asked.

Marshall’s eyes widened. “Maybe he’s a spy from the Soviet Union, and he’s here to make American friends to use against our country, and he’s going to betray us and throw us all into the Hudson and take our state secrets back to the Kremlin.” He shuddered, and Lily rubbed his back comfortingly.

“Aw, baby, the Soviet Union doesn’t exist anymore, and we don’t know any state secrets,” she said kindly.

“Okay, we need a plan,” Robin said with authority. “We need to get into his office and snoop around.”

“And hack into his computer,” Ted said helpfully. “That usually works.”

“But none of us know how to hack into a computer,” Robin pointed out. “And you’d probably end up actually sending state secrets to the Kremlin if you tried.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Okay. So what’s the plan?”

\---  
_**  
02:40 AM**_

“What I’m trying to tell you, Ted, is that Barney knows what you look like. The janitor disguise isn’t going to work for you.”

\---

** _02:56 AM_ **

“Okay, Lily, unless you actually know how to bug a phone, stop suggesting it. Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal.”

\---  
_**  
03:15 AM  
**_  
“No way.”

“Come on!”

“No. Way.”

\---  
**_  
03:22 AM  
_**  
“Okay, this has three stages to it. First, Robin seduces Barney.”

“Marshall, sweetie, I’m just going to stop you right there. There’s no way Robin would agree to that. Right, Robin? Robin?”

“Right. Right, never. Ew, Barney.”

\---

_ **03:29 AM** _

“All I’m saying is, you don’t know it won’t work.”

“A _Catwoman_ suit?”

“Yeah!”

“Fine. I’ll do it if you come with me as Tom Cruise in _Risky Business_.”

“Well played.”

“Thank you.”

\---

** _03:44 AM_ **

“Look, they do this on _Alias_ all the time, so – “

“Marshall, anything you suggest starting with that sentence is an automatic ‘no’.”

\---  
_**  
04:31 AM**_

“You think this’ll work?”

“Absolutely.”

“How could it not?”

“Not a flying chance in hell.”

“All right, then. T-minus 56 hours and counting.”

\---

_ **Tuesday, 12:39 PM** _

“My palms are really sweaty,” Marshall whispered as the elevator continued its ascent.

“I know, baby,” Lily said, rubbing his shoulder. “Okay, so you’re sure that he’s not going to be in the office?”

“I think so,” he said nervously. “He usually gets his bi-weekly pedicure on Tuesday’s at lunch, so it’ll be a couple of hours until he’s back. I – “

The door dinged open and two men stepped into the elevator. Marshall looked wildly around as the doors shut again, panic filling his voice. “I mean, yeah! We should totally have a threesome, Lily!”

The two other men stared at him, and Lily laughed with a slight manic edge to her voice as she dug her nails into his arm. “He’s kidding! Such a kidder!” Marshall whimpered.

They got off on Barney’s floor and as soon as the doors were closed, Lily began pummeling Marshall’s arm. “What is the _matter_ with you?”

“I’m so sorry!” he said. “I panicked!”

She glared at him. “You are so never getting a threesome.”

“Of course not.” Marshall hugged her. “You’re all the woman I need.”

Lily groaned. “Okay, that was a really bad line.”

“I know,” he grinned. “I felt I owed you after that thing in the elevator, and – no, we can’t have sex in my office, Lily, what’s wrong with you!” Marshall raised his voice as a sharply dressed woman came out of her office and passed them in the hall. Once she was out of earshot, he turned back to Lily. “I am so, so sorry, baby.”

“Oh, yes, you are,” she responded, crossing her arms. “We’ll talk later; for now let’s get this thing done.”

“Right. Of course, you’re right. You’re so smart, Lily,” Marshall said, following her down the hall.

“Shut up,” Lily said. “God, I hope Robin’s having more luck with Ted.”

\---

“You’re an idiot.”

“I’m a genius, thank you very much.”

“Ted, take the glasses off. You look ridiculous.”

“Did Clark Kent look ridiculous when he wasn’t Superman?”

Robin stared at him. “That question is so backwards; I don’t even know where to start.”

“That’s what I thought. Let’s do this.”

She watched him go. “Yeah, this is never going to work.”

\---

“Okay, he’s not here,” Lily whispered, shutting the door quietly after them.

“I forgot how big it was.” Marshall looked around. “Okay, I know we’ve overruled this, but in the unlikely event that Barney is a Soviet spy, I want you to save yourself. Even if he’s torturing me, and you can hear my screams as you run away, you run. Lily,” he grabbed her by the shoulders and looked at her intensely. “Lily, _you run_.”

She shrugged. “Yeah, okay, I’ll run.”

His hands dropped from her shoulders. “That’s it? ‘I’ll run’? No ‘Marshall, I’d rather die than live without you’? You wouldn’t even try to save me?”

Lily burst out laughing. “Marshall, it’s _Barney_. No one is going to die here. Now let’s start snooping.” She stood up on her tiptoes to press a quick kiss to his mouth. “I appreciate the thought, though. Very sweet.”

“Yeah, whatever, I wouldn’t save you either,” he muttered, moving over to the file cabinets.

\---

Ted approached the guard in the lobby, his most charming smile in place and his confidence bolstered by his awesome disguise. “Excuse me, miss?”

The guard swiveled in her chair to look at him. “Yes? How can I help you?”

He smiled at her, leaning on the desk with all the nonchalance he’d learned from the Bond movies. “I was hoping you could help me out with something.”

She eyed him warily. “I can try. What do you need?”

“I’m a reporter with the…New York Times. And I’m doing an article on…companies. Like this one. And I was hoping you could help me out and…tell me about this fine establishment you work for.” Ted resisted the urge to slide his glasses down the bridge of his nose so he could eye her over the rims.

The guard looked unimpressed, somehow, by the great power of his glasses. “You’re doing an article on the company?”

“That’s right,” he smiled.

“Did you contact anyone from PR? They could probably help you out with that.”

Ted forced his smile to stay in place. “Yeeesss. Yes, I did. Um, they said just to come down here and have you answer some questions for me. Because, obviously, the security guards know the buildings they guard better than anyone.”

She rolled her eyes. “Sir…”

“You’re not buying any of this, are you?” he asked.

“Not even a little.”

“Right,” Ted nodded. “Thank you for your time, keep up the good work.”

He walked briskly out the door and found Robin waiting for him, her back against the wall and –

“You’re smoking?” Ted asked.

“No!” Robin started, eying the cigarette in her hand with a look of wonder. “What? Where did that come from? I’m holding it for someone who…left.” Ted glared at her. “Shut up. You don’t get to kiss me anymore, so no judging.”

Ted laughed, despite himself. “You have a point.”

“Thank you,” Robin smiled. “How’d it go?”

The smile fell from his face. “Okay, you may have been right about the glasses.”

Her mouth dropped open. “No. You’re not serious.”

“Shut up.”

“Right. So, is it my turn now?”

\---

“Any luck over there?” Lily asked.

Marshall shook his head, still leafing through the second drawer of five in Barney’s desk. “Nothing. He keeps surprisingly little paperwork – all I’ve found so far are his expense reports and a video camera. Which I say we only watch as an absolute last resort.”

“Agreed.” Lily made a face. She opened the closet door in the corner of the room. “Man, he has _so many _suits. Look at this!”

He did. “Why does he have women’s clothes in there too?”

Lily shrugged. “I’ve learned to pretty much stop asking those kinds of questions when it comes to Barney.”

“Ooh, fruit!” Marshall headed over to the table in the opposite corner, which had a lovely display of fresh fruits. Snagging a banana, he was about to open it when he heard:

“Yeah, but the last time you said that you didn’t really mean it, and I ended up all by myself at the craps table and the girl who I had blow on my dice…yeah, had to…anyways, she was totally bad luck and I ended up losing all my chips….yeah, you did! Right. So you’re in? Excellent. Don’t wimp out on me this time, all right? All right.”

Marshall spun around with panic in his eyes. “Barney!” he hissed loudly. Lily looked around frantically before diving into the closet. Marshall ran to join her, but she shook her head quickly.

“There’s no room!” she whispered. “Just pretend that you’re here to see him!”

“But- but – “ he protested. “I’m horrible at that kind of thing, you know that!”

“Pretend we had a fight!” Lily said. The footsteps grew closer. “Sorry, baby.” And with that the closet door was shut and Barney was walking in from the hallway.

\---

“Hi!” Robin said brightly.

The guard didn’t look up. “No solicitors.”

“No, no,” Robin laughed. “I was hoping you could help me out. I teach elementary school and I wanted to bring some of my class to see how a real, um, company is run. And I was wondering if you could tell me what you do here? In this building? For money, and stuff?”

The guard looked at her for a long minute. “Are you with that guy?”

“No. Who? I mean, what guy?” Robin cleared her throat. “Um, no idea what you’re talking about.”

“That guy,” the woman said, pointing to the other side of the lobby where Ted was trying to look casual and hide behind a pillar at the same time.

“Oh,” Robin replied, glaring at Ted. _“That_ guy.”

\---

“Okay, excellent. Yep, sounds – “ Barney stopped, seeing Marshall in his office. “Hey, I’m going to have to call you back. I promise, I will. Okay, great.” He clicked off his blue tooth and took it out of his ear. “Hey, buddy.”

“Barney!” Marshall exclaimed, lumbering over to give him a big hug. “What’s going on? What are you doing he-here?”

Barney shot him a look. “This is my office. What are you doing here?”

Marshall nodded, stuffing his hands in his pocket as he looked around nervously. “Um…well, no, it’s just that…damnit, Lily – “

“Dude, is everything okay?” Barney asked.

“My wife is a big stupid whore,” Marshall blurted out. Then, just as quickly, he regretted it – and remembered that said big stupid whore was listening to the whole conversation. “No! She’s beautiful and perfect and…” he shook his head. _In a fight, Erickson_, he reminded himself. “But also very much a slut. I mean, an adorable slut, but well, she’s…” _Think_! “She…she had sex with Scooter!”

Barney’s jaw dropped. “What? When? I can’t believe she would do something like – “

“In high school,” Marshall grumped.

“Oh, for god’s sake, Erickson, man up and get over that already, would you?”

Marshall crossed his arms. “Base of the Empire State Building, my ass.”

“Yeah, okay. Let’s go get some chicken wings and beer.” Barney grabbed his coat and started steering Marshall out the door. “You need to remember what it’s like to be a dude.”

“Don’t you need to…um, work?” Marshall asked casually.

“Nah, it can wait. Besides, it’s not like they’ll be able to do anything without me!”

“So, what is it you actually – “

Barney laughed. “Please. Shall we?”

\---

“So we have only two conclusions from this – either what he does is really dangerous, or really embarrassing. And if it’s dangerous, we want to…I don’t know, protect him or something. But we’re really hoping it’s embarrassing, because that would be a lot more fun.” Ted took a deep breath, having just explained the entire story to the guard (whose name was Janet) in about thirty seconds.

Janet tilted her head to the side and studied them for a moment. “Wait, so all you really wanted was to know what this company does?”

Ted and Robin exchanged a look. “Pretty much, yeah,” Robin said, shrugging.

“You know that’s really weird, right?” Janet asked.

“Very much aware,” Ted agreed.

Janet let out a short chuckle. “Whatever.” She reached into a drawer and pulled out a printout, handing it to Robin. “Here’s a standard press release with all the pertinent information concerning Ultracell.”

Ted looked at the sheet, nonplussed. “Wait, that’s it? That’s all we needed to do? Just _ask_?”

“That’ll usually do the trick, yeah,” Janet said with a small smile.

 “This is only part of the answer,” Robin pointed out, reading the page. “I mean, Ultracell is a huge conglomerate – look at this,” she said, handing the printout to Ted. “They own television stations, brokerage firms, magazines, a cruise line, seven different actors, the Tonight Show, all yellow M&amp;Ms, energy plants, and the American Girl Collection, among other things.” She looked up at Ted. “There’s no way to tell from any of this what Barney actually does.”

Ted looked pleadingly at the guard, who shrugged. “Sorry. That’s all I’ve got for you.”

“You can be a cruel, cruel woman, you know that?” Ted asked.

Janet favored him with a full smile this time. “Yes, actually, I do know.”

\---

Lily counted to fifty after she heard the door close behind Barney and Marshall before leaving the closet, peeking out first to make sure.

“Big, stupid whore?” she fumed, crossing her arms as she kicked the door shut behind her. “Oh, he’s not getting any for a long, long time. Assface.”

“I’m sorry?”

Lily spun around to see a guy standing in the doorway, a confused look on his face.

“Oh!” she said. “No, not you! Just my husband. He’s the assface. You have a very nice face. I mean, um, hi, can I help you?”

He still looked wary, but he came in. “Is Mr. Stinson here?”

“Out to lunch, I think. I believe. I don’t know, I wasn’t here when he made the plans. Why, do you know anything?” Lily babbled.

“Um…” The guy seemed at a loss for what to do. Finally he put a manila envelope on Barney’s desk and began backing out of the room. “Could you tell him that I’ve looked through the draft and I think it’s good to go?”

“Draft. Sure. The draft is good to go. I’ll tell Barney!” she called after the guy, who was already on his way down the hall.

Alone in the office with the manila envelope and a closet full of suits, it only took her a few seconds to decide.

Ripping open the envelope, she pulled out the stack of papers inside and began reading the top page.

Her eyes got wider with each line. “What the hell?”

\---

In the middle of trying to convince Janet to let them see the personnel files, Robin had spotted Barney and Marshall coming out of one of the elevators on the other side of the lobby. This was why, at the moment, she and Ted were hiding behind the guard station, sitting cross-legged on the ground and wondering whether Barney’s job was more likely to be with Axe Body Spray or Teletubbies.

“All I’m saying is I wouldn’t put it past him to put the Teletubbies on the air so that he can brainwash an entire generation into thinking suits and laser tag are cool,” Ted explained. “And I can’t see him marketing a formula designed to make it easy for other guys to get girls.”

Robin paused. “Okay, that may actually be a valid point, but – “ she said as Ted raised his arms in triumph, “- but, don’t you think it’s giving Barney a little too much credit? The Teletubbies? Brainwashing kids? He’s not the evil genius you guys seem to think he is…probably.”

“Probably,” Ted echoed gravely.

“Whatever.” Robin shook her head. “Okay, next on the list: Sailor Moon plush toys.”

Ted was about to answer when his phone rang. “Hello?”

“Ted!” Lily’s voice was clearly audible to Robin. “Ted, where are you? Do you have Robin?”

“Yeah, she’s right here,” Ted replied. “How’s it going upstairs?”

“I’m in the lobby, and I have…something,” she said, sounding frantic.

Robin grabbed the phone. “What do you have? Is it about the Teletubbies?”

“I don’t know,” Lily said. “It’s…we need to get out of here. It’s too late for Marshall, Barney’s got him. But we can get out of here.”

“All right, meet us on the corner by the hot dog vendor,” Robin said, looking up at Ted. “We’re on our way.”

“Be careful,” Lily whispered.

Robin hung up. “What do you think she has?”

Ted shook his head. “God only knows.”

Their reverie was broken by Janet clearing her throat. “If you two are done playing Nancy Drew, maybe you could get out from under my desk?”

They stood up sheepishly. “Thank you,” Robin said, grabbing Ted’s arm. “Let’s go.”

“Sure,” he nodded, before turning back. “Actually, we’d prefer Hardy Boys, but whatever.”

Janet nodded gravely. “Of course. My deepest apologies.”

On their way out the door, Ted turned to Robin. “I think she might have been mocking us.”

“You,” Robin said, steering him out into the daylight. “Just you, Teddy boy.”

\---

They'd been at the apartment all of five seconds when Barney burst through the door, out-of-breath and wild-eyed.

"What did you find? What do you know?" he asked, gasping for breath. Lily, Ted and Robin stared at him.

"Yeah, he figured it out," Marshall said guiltily, following Barney in and shutting the door. "Sorry."

"Please," Barney snorted. "You folded like a stripper sitting on a house of cards."

"I don't think that's the quote," Ted said as Lily discreetly shoved the envelope up her shirt.

Not discreetly enough, however. "Aldrin, hand it over," Barney demanded, holding out his hand.

"No," Lily said defiantly.

His eyes narrowed. "I'm not afraid to come and get it, if that's what you're thinking."

"Whoa, no one's going into my wife's shirt except me," Marshall protested. Turning to Lily, he said excitedly: "So, what'd you guys find?"

"Oh, come on!" Barney exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. "Does privacy count for nothing anymore?" Robin turned to look at him, her hands on her hips. "Oh, that's different," he said, waving his hand dismissively. "Photographing women in bed without their knowledge is so not the same thing." She continued to glare at him. "What?"

Robin turned back to Lily. "Open the envelope, Lily."

Ted clapped his hands excitedly. "All right, let's see what this is."

Lily tugged the envelope out from under her shirt. Barney, making a move to try and grab them from her, was intercepted by Marshall. "Hey!" he cried as Marshall pushed him down onto the couch.

"Stay," Marshall commanded. "And don't make me sit on you."

Barney glared at him, crossing his arms grumpily. "Fine," he said petulantly. "Fine, go ahead and open it. See if I care."

Lily smiled and pulled the sheaf of papers out. "You guys ready for this?"

"Yes," Ted said impatiently.

"All right. Here it is." Lily grinned. "Barney...writes a column for _Cosmopolitan_ called 'From His Perspective'."

There was a moment of shocked silence.

"No way," Marshall said, his mouth agape.

"Way," Lily confirmed.

"What?" Ted asked. "I mean...what?"

"_Cosmo_?" Robin asked.

"Yep."

"The magazine, right?" Robin asked. "It's not also some e-Zine for metrosexual men or something, is it?"

"The very one," Lily replied, grinning from ear to ear. "Here, take a look. This is the draft for the next issue." She handed the papers to Marshall, who started looking through them eagerly, Ted reading over his shoulder.

Robin shook her head. "But I _read_ that column. I've never noticed your name in the byline," she said to Barney.

He rolled his eyes. "I don't use my real name, Scherbatsky. The whole point is to subliminally implant ideas into women's heads that make me more appealing to them, and that doesn't work if I use my own name. Duh."

Ted nodded. "Here, listen: _Why One-Night Stands Are More Fun Than Relationships_, by Victor Delta." He looked up at Barney. "Your alias is the military alphabet translation of VD?"

"Yeah," Barney grinned. "Well, one of my aliases. I use several, rotate them out here and there. Makes it look like the column is written by a bunch of guys."

"Wait, wait," Robin said. "You're telling us that you have a job writing a column for Cosmo so that you can get more women to sleep with you?"

"Um, yeah," Barney said. "Try to keep up."

"See?" Ted said. "I wasn't far off with the whole brainwashing idea, after all."

Robin ignored him, glaring at Barney. "So that article last month about friends with benefits, was that one meant for me?"

He winked at her. "Worked, didn't it?"

"_What_?" Three heads swiveled to look at Robin, who was eyeing daggers at Barney.

"I am literally going to kill you," she said. "And Ted, I swear to God, if you say 'figuratively' I will go home and get my gun and _shoot_ you."

Ted shut his mouth.

"You two slept together?" Lily asked, shocked. "When? How?"

"How?" Barney asked. "Jeez, Marshall, have you been doing it wrong all this time?"

"My baby is very satisfied, thank you very much," Marshall told him, beaming at Lily. She didn't return the warmth. "What?"

"You called me a big stupid whore," she reminded him.

"You told me to say we'd had a fight!"

"You didn't have to call me a whore!" Lily exclaimed.

"Uh-oh," Ted whispered to Robin. "She's about to start stealing all of our decorations."

"Shut up," Robin told him.

"Hey!" he said. "What did I do? You're the one who slept with Barney. And, oh, yeah, _you slept with Barney_. When the hell did that happen?"

She sighed. "It was a few weeks ago, we were at my place after sneaking into that yacht party none of you guys wanted to go to, and we'd had a lot of champagne that day. One thing led to another..." she trailed off.

"We had sex all over her apartment," Barney continued, ignoring Robin's glare. "It was incredibly dirty. Do you want to hear the details?"

"_No_," everyone insisted.

"Right." He winked at Marshall and Ted. "I'll tell you guys later."

Lily shook her head as if to clear it. "Okay, let's forget you ever said anything and get back to Cosmo." She looked down at the pages in her hands. "Barney, a column in a magazine wouldn't pay enough for you to live the way you do. We all figured you must be an executive or something like that."

"Oh, yeah, I'm also VP in charge of marketing," he shrugged. "The column is more of a hobby."

"Of course," Ted sighed. "As ever, I don't know if I'm disgusted or impressed."

"A normal reaction," Barney agreed. "So, Robin, want to go back to your apartment and punish me?"

Robin couldn't help herself. "No," she giggled. Then she glared at him. "I mean, no!"

"You two _slept together_?" Ted asked, still incredulous. "Why isn't the world crashing down into the Hellmouth right now?"

Lily looked sideways at him. "Ted, sweetie, we've talked about the _Buffy_ references."

Ted sat down on the couch. "Hey, Barney writes for _Cosmopolitan_," he protested. "That's way more girly than me liking _Buffy_."

"Okay, so that article last year about threesomes for married couples?" Marshall asked Barney as he sat down.

"You read _Cosmo_?" Robin asked.

"No," Marshall said. "Lily showed me that one when - " he cut himself off.

Barney raised his eyebrows. "When what?"

"Nothing," Lily said loudly. "When nothing. Marshall's had a hard day, he's tired."

Barney shook his head, sitting down in the chair. "Man, you guys are all so repressed. This is why you need me. Except you, Scherbatsky. Man, you were kinky."

Robin threw a pillow at him. "I hope you enjoyed it, because it's never happening again."

"Sure," Barney said, nodding.

"I mean it!" she insisted. "No more. Sunday was it."

"Sunday?" Ted asked. "I thought you said it happened a month ago."

"Sure, the _first_ time," Barney shrugged. "We've been doing it constantly since then."

"Oh, my _God_," Ted groaned, putting his head in his hands.

Robin rubbed his arm. "Are you upset?"

"No," Ted said. "I just think I'm having a stroke."

"You'll be fine," Barney said. "Who wants to hear about me and Robin at Saks?"

"I _own a gun_," Robin reminded him.

"I know, and it's totally hot," he told her.

"There's a buzzing. Is anyone hearing a buzzing?" Ted asked.

"You guys," Lily said, laughing. "Barney writes for Cosmopolitan."

"I'm sorry I called you a whore, baby," Marshall said.

She smiled at him. "It's okay."

"Although you did save yourself and left me to hang," he pointed out.

"You told me to!"

"Yeah, there's definitely a buzzing," Ted said loudly.

"And then the time after we went to the strip club," Barney said to Robin. "Those were some impressive moves."

"You went to a strip club?" Marshall asked her.

"Leave me alone, they had good ribs."

"And breasts! High five!" Barney said eagerly, holding his palm out to Ted, who glared at him. "Too soon?"

"Okay, I might be a little upset," Ted nodded.

"I'm sorry," Robin told him. "It's really nothing but, you know, sex."

"Yeah, it is," Barney grinned.

"Can we just watch a movie or something, and I'll sleep on it tonight and maybe punch Barney tomorrow? Let's do that," Ted said.

Marshall picked up the remote and clicked on the television while Barney got them all beers from the refrigerator. "Ooh, _When Harry Met Sally._"

Robin looked around, and when neither Ted nor Barney protested, she sighed. "What a bunch of girls."

Ted chuckled, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her back on the couch. "Shut up and enjoy."

Marshall looked around the room, smiling. "Today was a good day," he said happily.

Barney looked over his shoulder at him. "Cheers to that," he said, raising his beer in a toast.

Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily lifted their bottles in return. "Cheers."


End file.
